Tonight I Got Pulled Over
Note: This is a repost from my old blog. The original was posted June 9, 2010, 1:14 am.
If you could call it that. I’d barely even started accelerating from a stop when the red and blue flashing lights went on.
The last time I was pulled over was over a year ago now, which was for speeding. This time it was because I had stopped to go to the bathroom in a park closed after hours. It had the only bathroom around where I was and a man’s gotta go when a man’s gotta go.
Bathroom was locked.
Relieved myself anyway.
A year ago when I saw those flashing lights in my rear view mirror, I was blasting some Girl Talk song with a lot of expletives in it. This time, it was “California Gurls” by Katy Perry. As the officer asked for license and registration? The song ended and what starts playing? “Your Love is My Drug” by Ke$ha. No wonder why he suspected me of possessing marijuana and asked to search my car.
He asked why I was shaking and I told him I just sprinted to a bathroom only to find that it was locked.
“Did you at least go?”
“Yes, officer.”
He proceeded to walk around the car checking inside with a flashlight. What did he find? A little clump of grass attached to goose crap. What did he think it was? Marijuana. Joke’s on him.
I was in no rush, so when he asked to search my car I said sure and I signed the consent form.
Here’s what he found in my car:
- Two 4” PVC pipes. Don’t worry about it.
- Sunglasses
- Pen
- Glasses
- GPS
- 20 mw laser pointer (Anything over 5 mw is a no-no)
- CD Magazine (My disk changer loads CDs in magazine, like a gun. NBD)
- CD Case
- Full rocket kit complete with 5 engines
- EchoMic
- Bathing suit and towel (I don’t care if it’s 40 degrees out)
- Mysterious object wrapped in leather placed in medical compartment of trunk
- Backpack with sports equipment and emergency road equipment
- Religious clip for visor, because God protects my Passat
What I found interesting was that he didn’t bother looking in the rear footwell where the carpet was obviously ripped up in his hunt for the green stuff. It had been ripped up in an effort to dry it out, as my car is having some small leak issues. He spent a lot of time perusing my CD collection, which contains such favorites as “Billy’s Mix 1”, “OneRepublic”, and “Super Mash Bros - Fuck Bitches Get Euros”. The laser? He didn’t even bother with it. Also, he never bothered to open the object in the trunk, all it was was a wrench, but I mean, kind of suspicious right?
I guess after he found the EchoMic he stopped bothering to look for any illegal substances. It was pretty funny, because when he found it, he felt the need to test it. He and the Sheriff (who arrived just in case the kid with the frisbee, EchoMic, and bathing suit who listens to Katy Perry and Ke$ha tried to be a smartass) both enjoyed it quite a bit.
“Why do you have a frisbee and an emergency road kit in the same bag?”
“I always like to be prepared.”
“I see that, you’ve got an Xbox controller in here too.”
“Always prepared to pwn noobs.”
Yes, I said this. He was a young guy, I figured he’d enjoy it. Unfortunately I’ve talked to police officers with the flashing lights on in the background quite a bit by now and I’m getting almost too comfortable with them in conversation. No, you don’t believe me, but that’s alright I don’t care too much.
Obviously the goose crap wasn’t marijuana and he never found my massive stock pile of animal feces and grass under the tire, but it’s cool. He told me I could go back in my car and said he wasn’t going to give me the ticket for trespassing after hours. Thanks man, that’s really nice of you. I forgot how you cops never have to piss. He also proceeded to tell me that I’ve “got everything in my car except a bathroom.” I responded, “I’m working on it.”
Anyway, he should have fun with the paperwork.
